Can You See Me?

So, I got my hair cut today.  I'm growing it out and I needed her to clean it up so as it grows it looks alright.  I know I always say that and then it never gets past my chin before I chop it all off again.  I'm serious this time... though I can't make any promises.  I'm wearing your robe.  Even though I've washed it a handful of times it still smells like your office at the old house.

I'm looking lovelier each day.  My eyes have been brighter, my cheeks rosier.  I've lost 40lbs over the past year.  When you died I wore a size 24/26 and I'm into 18's now.  You'd be so happy to know that I've started to wear clothes that fit me.  Covering everything up in big, baggy clothes has been a hard habit to break.  I'm even rocking really form fitting clothes I would never have been caught dead in.  Finally, I am beginning to see myself as perfect exactly as I am.  I still have my struggles and yet I'm more at home in myself than I have ever been in my life.

It is so incredibly sad to be in this head-space without you here to see me grow.  You wanted this for me so badly.  You encouraged me and pushed me towards a greatness that I couldn't comprehend when you were alive.  Another big shift in my consciousness is dawning.  I am embracing what is so.  What is so is that I have fat rolls.  What is so is that I can work those fat rolls like nobody's business.  What is so is that I love myself enough to take care of this body; to nurture it and feed it with goodness.  What is so is that I am strong and capable of handling anything that comes my way.

Tears are filling my eyes and streaming down my cheeks.  You would be so proud of me.  It kills me that I can't hear you say it.  I want you to know this new woman.  I want you to enjoy the harvest of all of the seeds that you planted.  I want you to enjoy this new body; to see it, to touch it, to savor it.  Every time I feel stronger I thank you for believing in me.  Help me feel your love again.  There is so much of it inside of me that is for you and you alone.  I do not believe it can ever leave me (nor do I want it to) though I hope, in time, that this love for you can be transformed into the brightest, purest light to shine forth from my heart out into the whole world.

I love you.

Music, You're My Constant Companion

I can't place the feeling I've been experiencing for the past week.  It feels like it may be somewhere between sadness and loneliness, though I'm not sure.  Maybe it's all the new music I've been listening to?  Not that the songs are particularly sad or depressing, just that they're new.  I miss listening to music with TJ on breezy summer nights like the ones we've been having.  I go through these periods quite often, though they seem to go away with the next sunrise.  This week, that's not the case.  Perhaps another shift is coming on.  These feelings of sadness and loneliness, almost hopelessness, usually precede another big evolution.

I haven't had much homework this week because one of my midterms was last week.  Maybe it's just that I've had more time to think about other things?  School work is so consuming I don't have much time to let my mind wander.  I've enjoyed this tiny break from the grind.  I've been able to go outside every day and lie under trees.  That's my favorite thing to do in summer; find a shady spot under a luscious, green tree.  Spreading out a soft blanket, kicking off my shoes, drinking in everything my eyes can see and my ears can hear.  It renews me like nothing else.  I lie on my back and watch the clouds go by, daydreaming about anything and everything.  Yesterday I decided to sing to myself.  I sat right on the edge of the clearing I'd found.  I spread my skirt out like a fan and started to sing a new song I love to the trees and birds around me.  I can't remember the last time I heard my own voice that way.  I forgot how beautiful it can be.  I'm usually singing along with the radio so I can barely hear myself anyway.  In college during my senior year I sang every week at The Main Squeeze.  I didn't always have accompaniment so most nights I'd just wing it solo.  Someone recorded me singing once and I barely recognized my own voice when I heard it again.  I need to start singing more often.  It brings me so much joy.

Tears are filling my eyes.  Music was our deepest common bond.  Our relationship is steeped in it.  Infused by the melodies and notes that play like the soundtrack of our lives.  For me they still go hand in hand.  The night he told me he wanted to be with me we both played at a house party.  I'd opened for his band and that night they debuted their cover of INXS "Need You Tonight".  As he sang he stared deep into my eyes without breaking his gaze, without even blinking it seemed.  Later that night he told me he was enthralled by my performance and that every time he looked at me he wanted to hold me and never let me go.  That was it.  I was forever his.

One day, when I have more time, I'm going to do my best to make a soundtrack for our life.  For our love.  I feel so sad. 

Longing For My Beloved

I crawled into bed and turned off the lights.  Such an average occurrence, yet tonight I am reminded of a time when I could crawl into bed and curl up next to my beloved; could nestle my head on his shoulder and wrap my arm across his chest.  The warmth of him was unlike anything I've ever felt.  Sometimes I'd look up at him and we would talk, and sneak kisses, in the dark.  Other times I'd lie with my ear pressed to his skin and listen to his heart beating.  I never thought I'd have to spend a single night without that blessed ritual.

There is no getting used to him being gone.  My arms, they are empty.  My ears, they hear only the sound of my own breath.  My body, warmed only by the blankets that surround me.  My longing for him breaks my heart and soul over and over again.  My love for him knows no time.

A Reflection for Connie

A dear family friend lost his second wife today.  My heart is breaking for him.  All I can think about is that he's had to do this twice in his lifetime.  And that it's a possibility that I may also have to bury another husband in my lifetime.  Poor Paul, it seems so unfair.

Hearing news like this comes at a strange time for me.  I've recently decided to get out into the dating world.  I have no idea what I'm doing.  I feel as though I am taking a cop out approach to it.  I want to just meet someone casually who turns out to be just what I want.  That's the only way I have ever done this; TJ was my best friend.  And at my age it's so different.  I realize I will have to take a more active roll in seeking out men to date.  There are less social situations to find myself in.  And when I do get out most of those men are married.  

It feels as though I am personally hard wired for partnership.  For the first time in my life I feel like I don't need it; I want it.  I have so much love to give and I finally know, deep down in my bones, that I deserve to receive that love in kind from my partner.  Even with this knowledge getting back out there seems so overwhelming.  I have always been willing to work hard.  Am I willing to work hard for a second chance at love?  I hope so.

Connie, Paul's wife who died this morning, came to talk to me a few months after TJ had died.  She told me to stay open to love.  That it can come again and I could be happy again, just like she was with Paul.  She told me that as much as it hurts to think about finding another love that it is all worth it when it is right and good.  I remember her standing on our deck as if it were yesterday.  She spoke to me so clearly, so plainly that there was no way to argue.  She and Paul were my proof.

Thank you, Connie. I won't ever forget what you told me that day and how you held me so dearly that first summer.  Watch over Paul and know that you matter to us.  Know that you are so loved and will be sorely missed.

Memory Lapse

I woke up in the middle of the night last night.  I rolled over to face TJ's side of the bed and when I didn't see him there it dawned on me that he is dead.  How is it possible that I'd forgotten, even momentarily?  I curled into a ball and cried myself back to sleep.  It's been a while since I've had an episode like that.  It's so terrible.  I miss everything about him.  I miss his laugh, his lips, his touch, his talking with his mouth full... I don't want to do this without him.  I want my partner back.  I want my lover back.  I want my best friend back.  We were so good together.

Today I took my final written exam for point location.  I passed and I was so happy.  I want to share things like this with him.  I want to celebrate these small victories with my husband.  Where am I gonna go?  The cemetery?  I want to talk to him just one more time.  I want to tell him how much I love him and hear him say that to me, too.  I want to know if he's proud of me.  I want to know if he's safe.  I want to know if he's happy.  I want to hear him tell me that I'll be alright; that I won't have to do this alone.  That I will find partnership again. 

He is so amazing.  I miss being in his presence.  Being with him made me feel invincible; like nothing could touch us.  Everything was always just fine as long as I had him.  Sometimes I don't know what to do anymore...

My Last Kiss

This precise time two years ago I was saying goodbye to TJ. It was the last time I would look upon him with my own eyes. I kissed him on the lips, you know. I leaned down into his casket and pressed mine to his for the very last time. Over and over I kissed him; I couldn't stop myself. I cried onto his cold, waxen face. It took me more than thirty minutes to walk away. I gripped the edge of that casket until my fingers went numb. I leaned my body weight upon the edge when my legs could no longer support me. I never thought I could do it; walk away. I am weeping uncontrollably at the memory. I am in so much pain. I feel like this is some sick alternate reality. Hoping I can get back to the world where we are still together in blood and in breath. I miss TJ with every bone, every cell, every beat of my heart. He is everything to me. I love him.

Whenever I Want You All I Have To Do Is Dream

In the past few weeks I’ve been dreaming about TJ so often.  There were even three nights in a row that I dreamed of him.  Each dream seemed to be so telling; a progression of sorts leading me to what?  I don't know...  Like he was ok and it was time to stop worrying about him.  In one dream, I met him at our old home.  The one we lived in the day that he died.  I’d been invited by the new owners to have dinner there.  When I arrived, TJ met me in the foyer.  I knew instantly that he was dead and no one else could see him but me.  He took me by the hand and he lead me through each room in silence.  In my head I was saying goodbye to each room right along with him.  When we got to the top of the basement stairs I looked down.  The landing was filled with toys.  I looked up at him and began to weep uncontrollably.  He clutched me to his chest as I shook with tears.  All I could think of was that this is what our home would look like if he had lived; filled with toys for our babies to play with.  While he held me I felt his chin rest on the top of my head.  I noticed that my hair started to feel wet, wet with his tears.  He was mourning with me for the first time.  We held each other and cried for all we had lost.  

My life is so different from where I had expected it to be.  I never would have imagined this new journey.  Even with my positive growth,  sometimes I still can’t believe he’s not here.  I can’t believe we won’t have babies together.  I can’t believe we won’t get old and gray together.  I miss him so so much.  My love for him knows no time.  I ache for you, my dearest brightest love.